The Land of Crimson Dreams

crazytesuka

Second birthday in a row that sucked big time.

Last year sucked because there were too many people and I got tired from being a host. Not to mention the unkept promises by family members who were happy enough to relent to my wishes beforehand but “conveniently forgot” or “had other important things to do” on the day itself. Ended up having a pathetic game forced upon the visitors by my sister. I appreciate the effort but… what the heck? Sad, sad. (Also, I was already pregnant by then but didn’t know it. I felt bad the whole time)

This year sucked because of thesis submission at 6pm so I spent most of my day cramming the fucking table of contents that I thought was easy-peasy. Wasn’t able to go to Sarah’s with the others after because of a family dinner (I was late, by the way, because of the submission). I also felt that my outfit was too slutty – realized too late that the dress was too short and the front was too low. Of course, it didn’t escape nanay’s notice. I had planned to go to Sarah’s after but decided against it because I was tired and I might not be allowed anyway.

Also (and of course), boyfriend ruined the mood. He became withdrawn when I apparently reacted negatively towards his invitation for me and Drew to visit Bulacan. I had hesitated because I suddenly felt nervous – I’ve never been there and I’ve never met his father and older brother. Another reason was because mom had told me not to bring Drew over there too soon because he was too small. I told him I was scared and took it the wrong way, thought that I didn’t want to go (which I did want, for the longest time actually) and sulked the rest of the night. His sudden change of mood affected me throughout dinner because I didn’t know the reason why. He finally said it when we reached home and I explained why I hesitated (stating the reasons above) but APPARENTLY, he had decided that what he thought – about me not wanting to go at all – was right and didn’t listen. Our attention went to Drew and after I put him to sleep, I found HIM already asleep on my bed. Great.

I hate it when we’re together and he just… sleeps. It happens a lot, actually. It’s mostly because he’s tired from his job, but there are times when it’s because he partied all night or had beaten up someone for the frat the previous night. So we don’t even get to do normal stuff like watch tv together. Or I watch, he sleeps. That even happened in the movies. At first I was tolerant… later on, I’m so irritated, I can’t sleep. Like now.

Oh well, it’s not like I can sleep when he’s there. I’ve never been used to it.

I needed to rant out. It’s my birthday for goodness’ sakes, and though people are laughing and having a good time downstairs, they’re only Sandra’s friends who came for a visit. Me? I’m sitting in the living room, watching Julia Robert’s Biography on tv, wanting to sleep but not being able to, crying a little because of a completely fucked up day.

For a normal day, this was bad. For my birthday, this was abso-fucking-lutely awful. I need a drink.

Happy 23^rd birthday to me.  

crazytesuka

I’ve just had this paranoid thought: what if he thinks that I’m the type of girl who sleeps around?

What brought about this idea was another paranoid string of thoughts of mine that goes around and around my head most of the time – that is, his previous reputation of being a playboy and his questionable faithfulness to me. I have to face the fact that he is indeed handsome (such a freakin bother) and that girls and gays alike practically chase after him because of his looks. The funny thing is, I wasn’t bothered by it at the very least at the start of our relationship. Now that we’ve reached our second year together along with a 6-month old son, I can’t help but become paranoid and jealous of past and present girls/ colleagues. The thing is, he keeps on insisting that he doesn’t entertain them at all, and that he doesn’t look at anyone else (but really, letting a girl rub her body all over him is not “entertaining them”?).

After the pregnancy (even during), I can’t help feeling that he’s already fed up and that seeing me fat and flabby and hormonal made him think that I was a huge freaking mistake. These thoughts are probably normal for a new mom but… I CAN’T STOP THEM. And it annoys me when I tell him and he brushes it off… and comments about a pretty model and how he knew her before. IT’S ANNOYING. Then I start to think about how a tiger not being able to change his stripes and my thoughts turn to probable affairs with other girls and dammit, we’re not even married. IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

Then the initial paranoid thought entered because I was assuming so much to the point that I began thinking, what if he also assumes stuff about me? What if he thinks that I sleep around because I did it with him?

That really brought me down. Talk about uber-low self-esteem.

Damn it. Though I try to talk myself out of the slums by stating out the practical (like he has two jobs and he’s too busy to eat and sleep, let alone cheat on me), I still can’t shake it off. I guess I don’t trust him that well yet; it doesn’t help if he doesn’t make it easy for me to trust him. Then again, it might just be little ‘ol paranoid me – I’ve always had trust issues after all. And my fear about him thinking that I’m a slut? He once said that he didn’t care if I slept with someone else (I never had, and I took that as an insult by the way).

Besides… so what? What if he did think that? He’s still with me after all.

Ah… and now the question is – is he still with me just because of Drew?

Another paranoid string of thoughts underway. 

crazytesuka

Driving alone along Edsa during rush hour earlier today, I suddenly felt suffocated and scared. Was I having a heart attack? Was it because of the increasing number of carnappings by fake policemen all over the metro? Was it because the end of the world is nigh?!

Nope.

I just had a revelation. I suddenly thought, what if I didn't have a direction right now? What if I'm stuck in traffic my whole life and I can't get out of it until I die?

Then my chest constricted as an ineffable fear got hold of me. I won't survive another milli-movement if that's the case. I had to remember that I was on my way home, that every inch would lead me to pasig. I had to try to forget that my bladder was about to burst because of all the iced tea that I drank earlier. I had to turn up the volume of the radio to drown out all my thoughts of not getting out. All because of a sudden realization that the scariest thing for me now is not having a goal to work towards at - during traffic.

I wonder how many people have vehicular accidents because of over-thinking.

The truth is, I do that all the time - that is, thinking while driving (only when alone... which is often enough I guess). It's the only ME time I have these days after all. I share a room with Drew at home and people tend to forget that it's partly MY private room - not a baby show room where people can come in anytime. I'm either with friends or my boyfriend when I'm at school. There really is no chance for me to think at all when I'm practically on stable ground (sometimes at night like tonight, but most of the time I'm too tired and sleep right away). So I do it in the car - huh, sounds kinky.

What do I think about then? Life in general, I guess. Acads, family, friends, love life, Drew... everything. Even philosophical views. Sometimes my creative juices work inside that airconditioned moving twisted metal and give me ideas for design and my thesis. And then sometimes, revelations would just dawn on me. Just. Like. That.

Being stuck in traffic got me thinking about being stuck in my current situation. I guess I couldn't stand the idea that I'll be forever doing my thesis, living with my parents not being able to support myself and Drew, and being on a confusing relationship. It's actually not the worst of situations but just the idea of not being able to MOVE away from here and now and towards something is frightening. 

I realized that what I constantly need in my life is... change (tch. Will not start on a certain person's thesis topic. Will not, dammit!). I guess I got affected by my thesis research... all those readings on Filipino diwa and that fate is pre-destined but it can still be controlled (will also not get into that now... will not!!). Kind of confusing but I do get it. I can't give in to apathy and despair and helplessness... I can't. I won't.

Well, I hope not.

Or else I might end up in an accident along the way, like that motorcycle that suddenly stopped in edsa, causing the driver to fall.

Dammit, enough metaphors please. Ugh.

crazytesuka

After 7 months of non-existence in tabulas and a life-changing experience, I finally am able to express myself again.

I have attempted a few times before to write again but whenever I face the blank sheet of digital paper on the laptop screen, the chaos that is my brain becomes too overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions zooming around in its already cramped space, and I become stumped. Now that there is a semblance of order in my life, I can write… I can finally write without crying or blanking out.

Where should I begin?

Of course, the one who changed my life: Drew Gabriel.

Don’t worry, it’s not going to be a mom’s entry where all she writes about is her son/daughter and how great or good-looking he/she is (it is true though. Well then, that’s said and done. Haha!). I will write about the truth: I AM TIRED. Once you’ve become a mom, you’re never going to be completely anything else. It will never end. Even now, as I am writing this entry, I check the crib where he is sleeping every other sentence I write.

-----------

... and here I am, several days later, continuing this entry. He woke up while I was typing. Yep, what can I say? Drew first before Tabulas. Hahaha. :D

Okay, so just let me say this: He's so cute!!! ^_^

He's worth waking up at night during ungodly hours, holding in pee while rocking him to sleep, not drinking more than a bottle of beer every inuman sessions, still having left-over flabs from the pregnancy, and being one size bigger when it comes to clothes and shoes (permanently, according to mom. *sigh). I am tired, but I still get that feeling that I should do more just to make him comfortable, just to make sure he's okay. :D

I do need breaks once in a while and (I can't believe I'm saying this), thank goodness I'm enrolled this semester. Seeing people makes me feel like my normal self. I don't want to become one of those moms whose whole world revolves around their children. Besides, I'm still in the process of figuring out my life after all.

So all in all, I'm on my feet and I'm moving forward.

I couldn't have done it without all my family and friends. And of course, the doctor and the pedia and... you get the picture. hahaha. :D

crazytesuka

What is the worst thing that can happen to you at this point in your life, other than death or natural disasters?

Think about it.

("That Sinking Feeling")