The Land of Crimson Dreams

Gosh, I haven't updated in ages. I think I need to practice my english... I can't afford to forget what I learned in high school. I caught myself these past days wondering if my spelling is correct or if my grammar is all wrong. Dammit.


Anyway, I need to make a decision.

"Do I really want to join this org?"

I'll start with the cons:
1) Issues galore - the reigning past time in this org is teasing and gossiping. It's not something that I look forward to.
2) You know that uncomfortable feeling that some people hate you? I feel that ALL the time. It's difficult to work with people who (I suspect) don't really like me.
3) I'm spending too much time on this org compared to my acads. Quite demanding... and to think that I'm only an applicant. Then again, maybe it's demanding NOW because I'm an applicant and I have to work my ass off to get in.
4) I've been humiliated and embarassed so many times... much more than my whole life before college.
5) Psychological reasons - I think I'll go crazy.

Now let's go on with the pros:
1) There are a couple of people who are really nice. Makes me feel good about myself.
2) It's beneficial in the long run. There are various connections available. And upperclassmen help out even in simple things like taking what subject and which teacher.
3) I have to admit, it is quite fun. Sort of a break from all the anxieties of acads.
4) I've been humiliated and embarassed so many times that I think I'm getting used to it. In a way, it's making me stronger. I just hope that I won't snap and start killing everyone in sight with a machine gun. Hum...
5) Okay, this is quite shallow but it IS one of the reasons why I applied in the first place: the tambayan. I never liked feeling lost and not knowing where to go next, or where to hang out/ study. It's that damned feeling of belonging that everyone craves.
6) Lastly, that annoying Filipino "thing" - Utang na Loob. I owe them so much... they're the ones who bought me in the auction. They introduced me to a lot of cool people. They already became close to me (hopefully it's vice versa). The least I can do is finish this whole ordeal and be a member.

Besides, the only thing that's left for me to do is the Interview.

Shit. Interview.

I think it's like the seventh hell of hell. The worse activity that I'll have to go through. I've heard enough stories that chilled me to the bone. Even guys cried in the interview. And it takes 3 and a half hours (sometimes even longer)! I'll have to wear something formal (skirt! WTF?!) and memorize names and the org's constitution. The worst part is, I'm an officer of the batch so that gives them the right to make it so much harder for me. Darn it.

God, give me the strength... because I think I really am going to go through this.

Come to think of it, it's not really a matter of choice at this point. Maybe I'm just making it look like I have a choice to make myself feel better. To delude myself that I go to a university where indepedence and free will reign true. To feed my idealistic mind with more idealistic lies and half-truths.

So, my decision is this: according to unspoken rules and borders, I have no choice on the matter. I WILL finish what I have started. Even if it means selling my soul.
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warning: too much drama is bad for your health. (I have colds and cough... not to mention an aching back and a bad case of insomnia.)

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Okay, I reread what I've just written and I realized that I did not answer the question (fallacy! non-sequitur! - Philo1). Having to join the org does not necessarily mean wanting to join the org. I have to... but I don't know if I want to.

I can't answer that question.

*sigh* All this thinking for nothing.

Saturday. 8:00 am. Melchor Hall.

Clad in a black blouse and a white skirt, I gripped the Jollibee plastic bags and stood up as the van approached the driveway. This is it. The Interview.

I studied the previous night. I'm not big on memorizations but I understood what I studied. That was what mattered, right? Yeah... that's it. Add a bit of confidence and I'll just breeze through it.

Hopefully.

In a trance, I climbed inside the van with a nervous smile and we were off. After picking up another member, we headed towards the Location: Noel's house, a.k.a Haunted House. I was feeling very calm about the whole thing actually... the calm before the storm. We arrived and everyone was actually friendly. I thought... hey, this doesn't look too bad.

I didn't know any better.

We headed down towards the basement. The door opened... and I was lost in the darkness.

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Satuday. 2:00 pm. Noel's house.

Am I alive? Am I still breathing?

These were the first thoughts in my head after I stepped out of the shadowy room. Disoriented, I accepted the handshakes and the smiles. I smiled back.

Yeah. I am alive. And I survived it.

After 6 hours of grueling questions and humiliating actions... I finally made it. I finished it. I didn't give up. I didn't cry. I didn't kill myself.

It was over.

It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, off my heart. A huge sigh of relief escaped my lips.

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That interview intimidated, terrified, and petrified me. Yet more than that, it made me realize so many things... about the org, about the college, and certainly about myself. It made me think, it made me ponder. Even until now, I'm still thinking about it.

It helped me understand a lot about determination and passion. I was looking for dedication and commitment. I was looking for people who would do anything for what they believed in. I was looking for an org where I know I can make a difference.

I think I found it.

--> I guess what they say is true: the worst experience brings out the best in you.

Yesterday was too good to be true.

We only answered exercises in Math. I passed my project in FA. After that, I spent most of the afternoon with erik laughing my head off. I enjoyed my Geography and ate until I was as stuffed as a stuffed chicken. Then I watched the Streetdance org perform.

After that, I slept for 9 hours.

One happy day.

But I should've known that there's always a catch for every good thing.

("--------------------Today-------------------")