The Land of Crimson Dreams

crazytesuka

Driving alone along Edsa during rush hour earlier today, I suddenly felt suffocated and scared. Was I having a heart attack? Was it because of the increasing number of carnappings by fake policemen all over the metro? Was it because the end of the world is nigh?!

Nope.

I just had a revelation. I suddenly thought, what if I didn't have a direction right now? What if I'm stuck in traffic my whole life and I can't get out of it until I die?

Then my chest constricted as an ineffable fear got hold of me. I won't survive another milli-movement if that's the case. I had to remember that I was on my way home, that every inch would lead me to pasig. I had to try to forget that my bladder was about to burst because of all the iced tea that I drank earlier. I had to turn up the volume of the radio to drown out all my thoughts of not getting out. All because of a sudden realization that the scariest thing for me now is not having a goal to work towards at - during traffic.

I wonder how many people have vehicular accidents because of over-thinking.

The truth is, I do that all the time - that is, thinking while driving (only when alone... which is often enough I guess). It's the only ME time I have these days after all. I share a room with Drew at home and people tend to forget that it's partly MY private room - not a baby show room where people can come in anytime. I'm either with friends or my boyfriend when I'm at school. There really is no chance for me to think at all when I'm practically on stable ground (sometimes at night like tonight, but most of the time I'm too tired and sleep right away). So I do it in the car - huh, sounds kinky.

What do I think about then? Life in general, I guess. Acads, family, friends, love life, Drew... everything. Even philosophical views. Sometimes my creative juices work inside that airconditioned moving twisted metal and give me ideas for design and my thesis. And then sometimes, revelations would just dawn on me. Just. Like. That.

Being stuck in traffic got me thinking about being stuck in my current situation. I guess I couldn't stand the idea that I'll be forever doing my thesis, living with my parents not being able to support myself and Drew, and being on a confusing relationship. It's actually not the worst of situations but just the idea of not being able to MOVE away from here and now and towards something is frightening. 

I realized that what I constantly need in my life is... change (tch. Will not start on a certain person's thesis topic. Will not, dammit!). I guess I got affected by my thesis research... all those readings on Filipino diwa and that fate is pre-destined but it can still be controlled (will also not get into that now... will not!!). Kind of confusing but I do get it. I can't give in to apathy and despair and helplessness... I can't. I won't.

Well, I hope not.

Or else I might end up in an accident along the way, like that motorcycle that suddenly stopped in edsa, causing the driver to fall.

Dammit, enough metaphors please. Ugh.