The Land of Crimson Dreams

crazytesuka

I’ve just had this paranoid thought: what if he thinks that I’m the type of girl who sleeps around?

What brought about this idea was another paranoid string of thoughts of mine that goes around and around my head most of the time – that is, his previous reputation of being a playboy and his questionable faithfulness to me. I have to face the fact that he is indeed handsome (such a freakin bother) and that girls and gays alike practically chase after him because of his looks. The funny thing is, I wasn’t bothered by it at the very least at the start of our relationship. Now that we’ve reached our second year together along with a 6-month old son, I can’t help but become paranoid and jealous of past and present girls/ colleagues. The thing is, he keeps on insisting that he doesn’t entertain them at all, and that he doesn’t look at anyone else (but really, letting a girl rub her body all over him is not “entertaining them”?).

After the pregnancy (even during), I can’t help feeling that he’s already fed up and that seeing me fat and flabby and hormonal made him think that I was a huge freaking mistake. These thoughts are probably normal for a new mom but… I CAN’T STOP THEM. And it annoys me when I tell him and he brushes it off… and comments about a pretty model and how he knew her before. IT’S ANNOYING. Then I start to think about how a tiger not being able to change his stripes and my thoughts turn to probable affairs with other girls and dammit, we’re not even married. IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

Then the initial paranoid thought entered because I was assuming so much to the point that I began thinking, what if he also assumes stuff about me? What if he thinks that I sleep around because I did it with him?

That really brought me down. Talk about uber-low self-esteem.

Damn it. Though I try to talk myself out of the slums by stating out the practical (like he has two jobs and he’s too busy to eat and sleep, let alone cheat on me), I still can’t shake it off. I guess I don’t trust him that well yet; it doesn’t help if he doesn’t make it easy for me to trust him. Then again, it might just be little ‘ol paranoid me – I’ve always had trust issues after all. And my fear about him thinking that I’m a slut? He once said that he didn’t care if I slept with someone else (I never had, and I took that as an insult by the way).

Besides… so what? What if he did think that? He’s still with me after all.

Ah… and now the question is – is he still with me just because of Drew?

Another paranoid string of thoughts underway.