Lost
I'm too young to NOT think about myself and what I want to do. I'm only 23, for goodness' sake.
I rant too much about HIM in this blog. Hm, I guess it's because I only write when I need to rant out. Point taken.
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Really though, I need to think more about myself, what I'm going to do... what I want. Do I still want the things I said I wanted a few years back? Maybe, but my priorities have changed. There's Drew, for one. I've realized, under a previous frustrating and emotional episode that I've lost myself in putting him first. By that I meant pride. The truth is, I find that the thing that I considered the most important idea in my life these past few years doesn't matter at all once you have someone worth sacrificing it for. I don't mind it one bit.
What bothers me though is trying to balance my life, my goals with Drew in mind. I'm starting to doubt that I want things because I want it. Sometimes I catch myself thinking its better for Drew. Where does one draw the line when it comes to these things? When should I stop thinking about Drew and start thinking about myself for my own sake?
It may sound selfish, but the truth is, it's essential. I've always believed that one should help the self to be able to help others effectively. The thing is, it's rather difficult to balance the two. When I only focus on Drew, at the end of the day, I end up realizing that trying to handle him in a tired state only makes him agitated. He knows it... knows when a person is not in the mood to play with him or handle him. It's uncanny. On the other hand, when I focus on myself, I end up feeling guilty for not being with Drew and am, therefore, not able to concentrate on the work at hand. Such a frustrating situation!
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One good thing though is that my depression has decreased dramatically - to a non-extant state, in fact. It's like I've found a goal, a situation to work with, something that only I can do. Before I was lost because I had no definite direction and interest; now I'm lost because I'm trying to adjust to a situation. I'm in a good kind of lost that enables me to test all my past knowledge and experiences and makes me want to learn more. I'm never disheartened... because I know giving up is not an option.
Haha, optimistic me surfaces once in a blue moon.
Underneath it all though, I am scared of one thing: of suddenly going crazy for thinking too much, for taking it all in too fast. And it is a real fear. It can happen.